Postnatal depression

It started on the third day after giving birth to baby Zann.

I had finished feeding Zann and decided to lay her down on my bed. The baby had dozed off and Lia was beside us looking down at her baby sister. I then started feeling a little down. At the same time, baby Zann stirred, and started to cry. An emotional rush hit me and I found my tears flowing. I quickly went into my adjourning wardrobe area where I started sobbing. I came out a while later slightly more composed as I realised Zann was still crying. Lia saw me and asked why I'm crying? She said, "Why you cry? Like mei-mei... Why you cry?" I couldn't reply and shook my head implying it's nothing and all's fine as I picked up baby Zann.

From that day onwards, I started getting negative thoughts. It was especially bad in the mornings when Lia had gone to kindy, and James off to work. I had looked forward to Lia being a big sister, sensible and all grown up but now, I am missing the moments when there were just the two of us. No James, no baby Zann, just the two of us by each other's side. James had a demanding job so it was always Lia and myself; we shared meals, shared ice-creams and snacks and tidbits. We shared the bathroom and showered together, and we shared my bed, and took naps and slept till dawn together. It was just the two of us and we had clearly bonded very well for the past four years and more.

I started to have regrets on having baby Zann. I thought that she had disrupted our lives and I couldn't help but missed those good old days. I just couldn't visualise any happy times with baby Zann and as I dwell on the fact that those days would never come back again, my regrets grew deeper. I got very upset and would break down in tears whenever those thoughts came into me.

Every morning, after James and Lia leave the house, I'd stand at my window and look out for Lia's school bus eyeing it until it went out of sight. I didn't bring her down as I was in confinement, I would have gotten my way if I insisted but I didn't and so James took over temporarily. I wished for James to stay home with me; and he could only do so for the first couple of days. I was blaming myself; why had I bothered having a second child? I thought I'd brought it upon myself having to start from scratch taking care of a new baby when Lia's getting independent.

At the same time, Lia kept wanting attention and she wasn't behaving well - I knew it's always like that when a new baby comes along, but at that time, it made me very guilty as I had brought it upon her. We had to start being stern with her, and scold her, of which I'd hate myself after doing it. I thought I was hurting Lia and it was just too much for me to bear. I was suffocating.

All these while, I had my confinement aunty caring for baby Zann. I don't feel connected to my baby, and we were merely bonded by the fact that she's my daughter; no mushy feelings, no kisses, no nothing. But good thing is I still have this responsibility towards baby Zann and I hung on breastfeeding her. I was actually half hearted and I contemplated to stop. But I couldn't bring myself to do it as I didn't wanna be unfair. I breastfed Lia till she turned two, how can I stop with baby Zann now?

I was still rejecting baby Zann and I had thoughts of letting my parents look after her, full time that is, at their place, and we'd only visit on weekends. In this way, I could go back to the good old times with Lia isn't it. I also had thoughts of giving baby Zann away, to a relative and not to strangers for adoption, because contradictingly, I would wanna see her again. I started shortlisting people, of whom I wanted to give up baby Zann to, and wondered if they'd accede to my request. But I can foresee the regrets I'd have in the years to come, so, adoption is not an option. It then came to a breaking point that I wished baby Zann would die. No, I did not think of killing her but I'd wished for her to die of natural causes; I deeply regret conceiving her in the first place. I knew that I will be guilty in future if I killed her myself, and I do not want this regret in my life either. How great it would be if she could just leave on her own, I thought, then we could resume our usual lifestyle. I started finding ways on how I can escape from baby Zann; I realised I didn't want to care for her, it was just too much of a hassle, I thought. I wanted to go back to work, employ a maid, and leave her over at my in-laws' house. The maid could look after baby Zann, and do the night feeds which I have started resenting. It seemed like a perfect way out, and my moods actually calmed down for a while.

I didn't expect all these during my pregnancy. We'd planned for a Dec (2008) baby but I ended up with a miscarriage. We stopped talking about it for a while and somehow we became pregnant again shortly after. Though baby Zann came rather unexpectedly in a way, we've gotten very enthusiastic about her as time went by. During my pregnancy, I took good care of myself and rested as much as I could. It was all smooth and my labour was short, and good. Following that, I was in good hands of my confinement aunty whom helped took care of Lia too. PND hit me, when I least expect it.

When my depression started, I knew. I knew I was ill, and I started seeking help. I found my way to KKH's Mental Wellness Clinic for women, and it was there where I met my physiatrist and case manager. I welcomed medication for I knew I needed it, and my doctor was good to give me an effective and breastfeeding-safe one. My case manager was my listening ear, and I am glad to have gotten to know her. I also chanced upon Alicia's encounter with PND, and she was a great one taking time to chat and share her experiences with me via email.

When I finally told my mom about my condition, she in turn told my pa. They were very concerned about this matter and pa doesn't relish the idea of a maid looking after baby Zann. They then decided that mom would quit her partime job, and come stay with me. Mom will help with the care of baby Zann to relieve me of the stress and to free up my time so I can resume my usual activities with Lia. We were glad that Mom came, her presence made a huge difference and she was good with baby Zann. Well, she was already good with Lia to begin with.

Family support is crucial for times like this, and I am really blessed to have them with me all this while. I am getting back on track; I've just seen my doctor last Friday and we agreed that I can now cut down on my medication. Those negative thoughts, have diminished. I can feel my love for baby Zann growing and a few nights back, I had a sudden urge of wanting to sleep with her in the same room. (Mom took the kid and baby in the same room as herself) It was heart warming as I looked at her sleeping, and I actually yearned to be with her. I am starting to find her cute, and have started planting kisses on her chubby cheeks. :)

This explains my disappearance for the past weeks, it felt like the end of the world on my bad days and I thought I would never recover. Now, I am really glad to have come out of it. Like Alicia, I hope that by sharing my experience, I can in turn help someone out there come out of it too.